return to Ask a Director Column home page
Question:
I am a middle-aged library director, and I am tired of the time and expense it takes to color my hair, but I’m afraid that going grey will change how seriously people take me and could have a damaging effect on my career and the library I run. Am I overthinking this?
Answer:
By Adrienne Pettinelli, Director of the Henrietta Public Library
I recently saw Nikole Hannah-Jones (age 46) speak at RIT, and she said something that made me want to stand and roar my agreement. Google tells me she says it often: “You can’t control others or their prejudice, but you can control your own excellence. You can,” she says, “make yourself undeniable.”1
Here’s how I wish I could answer your question: “Oh my gosh, yes, go grey. Don’t even think about it. Be you.”
But you’re a library worker and a woman, and I imagine you’re asking this question because long before you reached middle age, you got used to being stereotyped and dismissed by people who couldn’t even be bothered to ask your name. And I bet middle age has already brought even more people coming at you with stereotypes and assumptions. I am a 49-year-old woman. You and I are living in here together in this world where misogyny and discrimination toward women in their workplaces remains common. Agism compounds this issue, as do any number of intersectional factors—race, income, weight, disability, mental health, chronic illness. I could go on.
This is, of course, unfair.
Here’s another truth: you’re a leader. It’s your responsibility to be on top of things and to project the image that you’re on top of things. It’s important in terms of your own career, and it’s part of being responsible to the community you serve and the people who work for you.
What’s wrong here is not that you have to care about what you look like, it’s the idea that there is one correct way to physically embody power. I can’t promise you that you won’t be the victim of discrimination, whether or not you color your hair. What I can tell you is that you got this far in life by building skills to help yourself navigate existence in an imperfect world. My recommendation is to apply those skills and Nikole Hannah-Jones’ advice to this conundrum.
The bottom line, in the immortal words of style icon RuPaul is, “You better work.”
The way we present ourselves to the world is a practical and life-affirming form of self-expression. The aspects of our appearance that are optional say a lot about who we are and what we think of ourselves, and they provide others with clues about how we expect them to treat us. So instead of focusing on your grey hair and how you think others may react to it, think instead about your values, who you’re trying to be, what you want to accomplish, and how you might project that out into the world using the time and money you’re willing and able to spend. Then do some research.
Some people think of fashion and style as frivolous, but these are subjects worthy of study and attention (see also: The Devil Wears Prada, the book by Lauren Weisberger and/or the film). If you want to project confidence and competence, you can do so with grey hair or with your hair just about any other color you want to make it. Learn how. Personally, I’ve drawn a lot of inspiration from women who are older than me who I admire, both in terms of my personal style and how I live my life. I also enjoy reading books about style (George Brescia’s Change Your Clothes, Change Your Life is a favorite) and articles about fashion and style in The New York Times. You can Google a style question and get all kinds of interesting answers. None of this is anything you need to follow to the letter, but research will give you options to consider in building your own look.
In the end, your goal is to create a personal style that helps you live your life and do your job by bolstering your strengths and fitting into enjoyable daily routines. A style that is well-considered and that works for you will feel great, and most people will respond positively to that energy. Some may not, but if they don’t, what you know is you’ve been responsible and done your homework, which is all you can control. This is true no matter who you are, whatever your age, gender, or role. Taking control of your image and how you embody what a successful leader looks like has the side benefit of giving the people around you permission to do the same. This could be a path toward reducing the amount of weird societal pressure that makes us feel like we’re supposed to get older while also somehow not aging.
So go ahead: Be excellent. Sashay, shante!2
In the words of the immortal Rodney Dangerfield, “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.” But in all seriousness, Helen Mirren rocks her gray hair. Whatever you decide to do, own it.
A most excellent answer. The only thing I have to add is this: if you prefer not to rock your gray for some reason, aren’t you worth the time and expense of coloring your hair if it makes you feel better and more confident. Whatever you decide, own it, work it.